Sunday, March 17, 2024

Today's adventure

Layed over with no freight in the low country south of Savanah this weekend.  We rode 22 miles round trip from the truck stop to Fort McAllister State Park, walked 5 miles through the sweet marshy air, and found a cool, mosquite free place to set the timer for an hour and focus. It's nice to have such enriching hobbies that don't cost a penny .
Mr & Mrs.






Falcor 


Before and after Zsa Zsa's first swim







 Fu dogs on duty.

Friday, March 15, 2024

πŸ€πŸ’šπŸ™πŸ»The luckiest person is the one who trusts their luck🧠⚡️

 I have a whole file in my head I call:

 " Things my imaginary grandmother told me"


In that file I imagine she told me that the luckiest person is the one who trusts their luck. Be on the look out, and stay ready. 


A good friend recently lost a step-mother, and passed a locket family heirloom on to me. Upon having returned home safely after many long and dangerous trips, I have found enough luck, and then some to fill the locket. 

I stay safe to make it to my destinations by always being on the look out, for many long hours. 

I keep up my stamina to stay ready with out growing too weary by imagining the long term futures I am living and working to enjoy. 

As this practice grows I live more and more with the comforting feeling of being in a state of synchronicity. I feel this, in part, as the act of making the best use possible of everything I encounter, trying to align it with my future vision.

And I came across the interesting article below.





























Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Real Lives American Cinderblock

 Will keep adding to as I meet more

Good morning. >(mwm)< Tacoma Port, WA
No Doubt. Oklahoma City terminal, OK
The one friend didn't win nothing on their scratch offs, 
Another one gets violent when they get wet with their friends





Monday, March 4, 2024

When a woman uses an adolescent boy under her care to meet her unmet adult needs, it is a form of incest and pedophilia. It has dire consequences in the lives of the men as they become adults.. an epistolary

 

The little click click click sound in the background is my dog drinking out of their water bottle.
From group texts message sent to both men. Composed using speech to text.

.
 " In the chapter I am working on right now the personal story of one of you is woven into the plot as the young protagonist who has entered the homestead farm of her new in-laws family ( an arranged marriage between business associates) she is initiated into the family sex cult by her father in law, and finds that the step mother has been abusing her newly wed husband for years. She gets pregnant by the father in law and has a son. Her husband is recognized as the father. 
  In the intervening years the husband defers to pleasing his step mother and avoids his wife, they have no more children together. The wife grows increasing erratic and frantically tries to stop her husband for avoiding and abandoning her, creating problems which she is responsible/blamed in the household. The young son is mauled by a jaguar and although he fights valiantly he dies. After the father in law imposes on her again, cynically justified by saying the husband/son hasn't had any more children with his wife so he must help..she takes an opportunity to leave the family as part of a traveling ambassadors entourage and the plot continues."
.
"When I finish this chapter I will write the next one in which the personal history of the other of you will be woven into the plot. The female protagonist, who in her youth took the opportunity to leave the dangerous sabotage of her mother's household by becoming a truck driver, meets another male driver for whom she develops a strong limerant fantasy after a brief binge sex encounter with him. During the encounter he describes his childhood .
    His mother and father illegally immigrated to America before he was born. The mother hitched her star to the father's Cadillac when she didn't like how her parents treated her. Not enough Princess Action.
  However she Made very little effort to better herself or her situation going forward in a new country. After 2 children she could not maintain her marriage. She went off in secret and Got pregnant by a man who had no intention of building a life with her. Her husband left and all of the responsibilities of the household,
 The financial responsibilities ,
 responsibilities of translating, 
Managing all the household affairs and repairs,
Ownership of vehicles, 
Setting up the insurance,
Education of his sisters,
 Everything fell on the shoulders of the man, himself  barely a teenager.  
Protagonist will look at the faces of 12 and 13-year-old boys as an adult woman. The same age as the man's mother was, and in total disbelief. How could an adult woman do this to a child? "Ella eres sin vergienza".
 He spent twenty years of his life putting both of his little sisters through college, keeping a roof over their heads and supporting his mother to start a housecleaning business to become more independant. When his sisters  successfully launched, he found himself alone with his mother at last. Never having had a significant relationship with a woman,
 Never having moved out of his childhood home, He was overcome by a desire to get out and see the world. Maybe meet someone and have children of his own. 
   He finds his mother a boyfriend to assume responsibilities for her care. He becomes a truck driver and tries to use online dating to meet someone. In the meantime , he realizes how many children are lured and prayed upon by pedophiles online. He begins
Trying to know people he meets online by taking time off in different cities, Parking his truck for a week and dating the person he has been talking to. After Many unproductive adventures of this kind with women he is not able to get along with, 
Mostly because he is too controlling while they are together... 
Very critical, 
Very sarcastic, 
Which is how he always had to be to manage his mother.. Because she is like an amateur car bomb and if you don't constantly belittle her , she will behave in a very entitled grandios way... If he did not constantly nag her and put her down through jokes and dark humour, she would be very inclined to behave more recklessly. 
However, his romantic Partners find this obnoxious. He is not able to get along with anyone well enough to date them. He decides to begin using time off adventures in different cities to lure and capture pedophiles praying on children online in that city. It is his hobby, His pastime. He also maintains a social media channel and it has become an extra stream of income.
 The protagonist and he part ways and are not able get along when they try and meet again. He nags her, belittled her, puts her down out of habit. He is embarrassed by it, and the language barrier. He says he can't make an effort to change his attitude because it would be too demanding of him to speak so fluently in english. He gave this excuse also for not being able to remain in more reliable communication When they are separated in their trucks out over the road. 
When they are together the few chances they get he can not stop doing his hobby, texting and luring pedophiles while they are together. Eventually they can not Negotiate With each other to make plans and meet up again. The man always says that he is busy with his hobby and is not willing to commit to a time date or place to meet. 
The protagonist is hurt by this , but also takes his avoidance as caused by his noble hobby. She admires how he has sacrificed everything in the past to take care of his mother and his sisters... And she sees him out there trying to keep on being the super hero... 
She believes when he is constantly nagging and criticizing his romantic partners , he is also just trying to be the hero and solve all their problems... Even though it is corrosive. "
.
"The mixed emotions of this encounter ruminate in the head of the protagonist for many years. She begins self isolating so severely that she doesn't take a break from the road for years. The event in her life that ends this period of isolation and rumination is dramatic and connected to a coincidental conversation she has with a stranger at a bus stop. 
After departing her last failed encounter with the man. The event involves a fire and a heart transplant."
.
"I am still trying to figure out how to work in the (playing hard to get) avoidance behavior.. 
I admit that I have never dealt with people who intentionally try to withhold themselves..
Trting to keep the other person interested, insure that they matter to Someone else and Hold a relationship together with that strategy... It's almost like Some kind of hostage situation... Like...
 I'm going to avoid you and Hold the relationship hostage be so it can't ever grow... But I'm going to make you want it to grow...
 So I will know that you care about me By the fact that you are hurt that I would hold myself... It is a very confusing dynamic that I personally have never had to deal with. 
Much more often people will give freely of themselves and I will do the same until we have a much clearer understanding of if we can get along... 
We either both decide to continue our relationship Or not...
 I've never had to deal with this long drawn out impossible game Of keep away. 
I know that I'm going to have to invent some plot device that will give me a chance to show the insanity of this dynamic.
.
πŸ€”πŸ™„πŸ˜Ά‍🌫️πŸ«₯
.
"And I only say insane because it's a strategy that has less productive purpose/outcome. It just creates a lot of confusion and unmanageability"
.
"I'm going to have to come up with some kind of scenario where the person on the receiving end of the avoidant behavior goes to great lengths to prove themselves to the person playing hard to get... 
Somehow sets themselves back or hurts themselves trying to play this pointless game."
.
"There are historical accounts of a Cherokee woman who escaped into the mountains of North Georgia rather than be marched off on the Trail of  Tears...
There are also historical accounts Of episodes where a white man murdered his Cherokee wife, whose family was then compensated with slaves from the white man. 
I was kind of thinking maybe an arrangement like this happened in the community of a woman who tries to make plans to escape into the mountains of North Georgia with the son of a part of the compensation transaction.... 
Maybe she/they get all of the preparations made up in the mountain and then he will not actually leave with her because he's going to stay with his mother... He feels ripped apart by irrational guilt and loyalty to his mother, because he wants to go with his lover but cannot bear to think of his mother being marched off alone. He becomes drunk on anticipating the rush of when they actually leave together on the forced march and follow his decision... which ultimately abandon all the plans they made together, 
Breaking all the trust between them, but having prepared for the betrayal all the while by telling her he was worried for his mother....
 So perhaps she sacrifices her freedom to go and be marched off with the rest of the family on the Trail of Tears.."
.
"Although to be more in keeping with the theme of the book...
 She would have to wrestle inside of herself with this horrible decision, and then decide that ultimately she could not trust him up in the mountain or on the trail because he will never prioritize their relationship . 
He will make plans and then break plans and expect her to trust him completely.  
So she escapes into the mountains alone just like the woman in history did. "
.
"The expression of how life goes two steps forward and one step back... But at least you're still moving forward... In the situation with the man in question it is two steps back, one step forward, So it doesn't matter where you try to go, you will never get anywhere."
.
"At first I just felt like it was unethical of me to make statements like... 
I have learned so much over the years from this counter productive and confusing behavior from both of you....
 Although as I've continued to think about it , I have developed a theory which is informing my creative writing... 
I felt it was unethical of me to say I'm writing about you as if it's malicious thing i'm doing.. to take advantage of you and the personal information you have shared with me... 
At first I wanted to text you these long messages because it is a way of being open and honest...
 I don't see all of your things , and going to write about you as some weird revenge... 
Humans are humans and we all have this behavior.. 
Very predictable and sometimes very unpredictable confusing if you haven't lived through it yourself... 
That is of course a part of what story telling is all about... 
Helping us learn about unpredictable and confusing situations that do have a wider more predictable arch, so that we can make better sense of the world."
.
"Another useful metaphor to describe how dangerous avoidant behavior can be is that if a person does not signal their intentions well in advance, 
And then reliably follow through on what they say they're going to do,
 For instance if they are changing lanes going at dangerous speeds down the highway... 
A lack of communication can have catastrophic consequences. 
If somebody decides they're gonna jump in front of you without signaling...
 swerving back and forth... 
Worst yet if someone decides to drive the wrong way down the road towards you... 
How can we all go where we want together
 In the same or opposite directions without some communication and reliability... 
If we need to do it in the most simple of tasks like driving down the road... how in the world can we expect Smooth working order and nurturing constructive relationships without clear communication and reliability?"
.
"So i'm sure there will be A scene where that analogy is made in the mind of the driver while she ruminates."
.
"Protagonist after hearing the other truck driver's story about his mother... 
The time when she got pulled over twice for driving without a licence and was about ready to go to prison if she did it again...
So he threw his whole life away to be her chauffeur and help her scrub toilets to keep a roof over their heads... 
.
" I'm sorry to say this and I don't mean to be rude, But your mother sounds like an amateur car bomb, Ready to go off at any minute and blow up her life and the life of anyone in the car with her."
.
"Trucker /pedophilia catcher..." Yeah there is this cultural expectation of the oldest son... So I just had to embrace the explosion. And definitely my arms got blown off.. 
Ha ha ha... But I guess I'm like starfish , and I grew new arms. " 
And the time when he wrapped his arms around her she could feel them... but inside the body .
The cold heart of a fish."
.
"In both cases of the stepmother and the mother abusing the son.. 
She has two primary motivations.. 
One is to use the son to make her dreams come true.. 
Being with a man who treats her like a princess or a queen... 
If her father didn't treat her like a princess , she will try to get her Husband to do it. 
If her husband won't treat her like a princess she will get her son... 
And by the time she gets to the son she is so resentful of the husband and the father she heaps her disdain onto her son in the form of the urgency behind her expectations of him..."
.

"He can't say no or he will break his mother's heart.
 He's known this ever since he was a little boy. When he is dealing with Women he would like to be romantic He tries to practice saying "No" in a way that he can not with his step mother/mother... 
Who is threatened by the Romantic interest because it will upset the apple cart... 
Upset her supply she's getting from the young man.
 She supplies him with praise...
 How wonderful he is for all the things he does for his mother... 
And look at his crazy demanding wife over there , telling him that he's not doing enough.. Not paying enough attention to her... 
She just doesn't understand like the mother does... 
Stay here close to me and take such beautiful care and make me so proud of you."
.
"Her abuse of the boy is even more malevolent and sadistic because she is simultaneously emansculating their fathers... 
Showing the father.
 I will take your son and I will do everything but fuck him.
 And there's nothing you can do about it. 
In the case of the stepmother,  she does fuck him. "
.
"The never ending demands and manipulations of the mothers makes them become like an monster with many heads... 
I've tried to cut all the heads off. 
The son tries to cope by feeding each of them just a little bit... 
Not coming all the way out and solving the whole problem, but trying to solve it through tiny little solution... 
Appeasements just so they won't bite. 
Instead enabling it to continue... 
And then on the other side of the coin with his love and care for a romantic partner...
He only gives a little...
 Just barely enough to keep it alive.. 
Still starving. Starving out his own heart.
 He is trying to starve his mother out by starving his lover and himself. "
.
"The chances and changes demands and dangers of life are a many headed monster. If you cut ahead off it just grows back. There will always be problems. If you just try to feed the problem a little bit so that you could starve it out , you will well just feed the monster's all your food. And you'll have nothing.. The only solution is to Twist each snake around so that it is eating its own tail... Take responsibility for yourself In the situation... Contain all the consequences under your own power. "
.
"When the protagonist truck driver tries to completely isolate herself from everyone. It is an attempt to play out this metaphorical story literally."
.
"No strategy is a one size fits all solution...being ridged and going to extremes..in all its many forms. Just another one of those heads that sprouts up.. Just another problem of the paradox."
.
"Towards the end of her rumination , she realizes that just having a rigid point of view creates a battle... Is either in your own mind where you are right? And the other imaginary person is wrong... Or perhaps in person in front of you where two people are babbling each other... In that case , sometimes it gets so out of hand that it ends up in a court of law... But even inside your own head , you are always coming up with evidence and justifications for why you are right... However , when a jury deliberates , they are told to always be ready to give up their point of view to come to a consensus... Unless there is reasonable doubt that shows them the truth so clearly they could not violate their conscience and vote otherwise. "
.
"She describes the process by which she turns the battling committee in her head into a jury of her peers.
 In order to see things from different perspectives , 
Come up with useful strategies and make good decisions. 
This will introduce the next section of the plot which unfolds cooperative practices , and describes the next events in the story that lead to triumph. "
.


Thursday, February 29, 2024

Making time to work on my 2nd novel " Bodies In Motion"

Making time to work on my 2nd novel "Bodies In Motion". I didn't get as much done on this project as I would have liked last year. I took some big risks and made some big maneuvers, accomplished some major transitions. But I am happy to remind myself that when I started this project, to accompany me on this journey I started trucking five years ago, I didn't know anything about the plot or the characters. All I knew was the heart of the story, the foundational premise. Now I know exactly what happens to who, and my task is to be diligent in sitting down and articulating all of the details and contours.

.

I am fascinated by the concept we seem to share across cultures of guardian angels. Some people believe our guardian angels are our previous ancestors watching over us. I have come to believe that when we think of the spirits of these people caring for us, we become the guardian angels looking out for our ancestors, so that they could survive, so that we could be. So the story I am writing is about the main character and The constellation of guardian spirits that attend her life. Because of the times in which she lives her life is very very long, so that she is able to be present as a guardian spirit in the lives of her great great grandchildren.


Monday, February 19, 2024

Tulsa OK to Norfolk VA: Magical History Tour

 This job is a well paid vacation, and this week a history tour. 

On Friday I was able to go to the Greenwood District "Black Wall Street" which was burned to the ground in an act of racial terror by a white mob in 1921. The city is still barely able to even acknowledge that it happened. I listened to the recent congressional hearings and the testimony of some of the survivors of this heinous attack more than a hundred years ago. The placks in the sidewalk commemorating the businesses that were destroyed and the outcome after the riot return were too many to take pictures of, hundreds. 












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I, along with most middle school age kids, read "Where The Red Fern Grows" growing up.  We stopped at Natural Falls State Park, where the story is set, in the northeast corner of Oklahoma as we headed east.










And now, on Monday we are a Norfolk Virginia, a part of this country that was first settled in the 1600s. When the British governor was run out of the city by the American revolutionaries in 1776, he sent a parting cannonball shot in vengeful frustration, Which lodged in the wall of St Paul's Episcopal Church. 













Of course, I had to bring my little lions to the Chinese garden, because there's always an homage to shih tzus.